Ahoy mateys! Captain John be me name and I be asked to take the wheel of the U.S.S. America and sail her under the red flag. She's a fine ship but needs a lot of repairs to get her sea ready again. Arrgh. I used to captain me own ship, the Maverick, but the people who have the America said I could be in on the taking of the booty if I would captain for them. All I have to do is stand behind the wheel and they'll take care of the rest. How many ships do I captain now? Let's see, four...... or six......hmm, well don't matter, Arrgh, I be ye man.
They told me they took control of her from the rightful owners down in Florida awhile back and that's all ye be needing to know about that. "Why ye be needing a captain?", I asked. Well, let's just say the last feller couldn't steer and now the ship is stuck on the rocks. Well no wonder, the wheel's broke and so the ship only turns to the starboard. So I asked them " Why don't ye just use some of your booty to repair the ship?" "Are ye daft, man?'" they said. 'Why do you think we have the middle class for? We keep them down below on the oars and tax them for the privilege of doing so. We found out its cheaper to outsource from off ship, but we still take their taxes". Arrgh! "Do ye let them up on deck for fresh air and sunshine then ?" They told me " No, to go on deck you need to make 5 million dollars and wear 300,000,dollar outfits". Arrgh!
Well now be the time I introduce my matey. This here be me parrot. Arrrgh. Her name be Sarrypolly. She right smart, too, says everything ya teach her....she really likes to say the same thing over and over and over again. She's a pretty bird too, arrgh.. look at the teased up plumage on her, lads. The real good thing about her is when she starts making a lot of noise people pay attention to her squawking, then they forget about what's really going on. Arrgharrgh!
Okay Sarrypolly, lets show a trick now. Do the flip-flop just like I taught ye, that's a good girl. Okay ,Sarrypolly, barks like pit bull now,, wait, lets me put the lipstick on ye first ,,arrgh, that be better. Now don't be asking her any questions; we needs to teach her how to talk on her own first. I got her up north. She be flying over a bridge, first going with it then turning around and flying away from it as fast as she could go. Now don't ye be worrying about her slowing me down when she sits on me shoulder. She looks big, but really, she doesn't have any weight at all.
Well mateys, it be time we try to shove off. Seems a big, hot blow is coming down from St. Paul and we need to raise the sails to try to move this thing whilst we can. Well, looky there, them sails says Bush's policies on them but they're all full of holes and won't hold wind. Time to go below and gather more taxes from the crew to fix them.Arrgh.
We been hearing about the rightful owners sending a brave, young captain to take back the ship but Capt'n John be ready for him. All we do is tell the crew lies about him to scare them, then give 'em a few dabloons . While they be sleeping, we'll move the ship into dangerous waters where they have to trust us to get them home safely. Then we paint our ship to look like the young captain's so the crew will be confused as to which ship to get on. Arrgh,works every time. I learned that from the meanest capt'n ever, Old Chainy.
Now where be the charts,now? Here they be ..says here they're 8 years old and were used by the last capt'n. Well, no need to change course now,is it?
Yohoho, 'tis the pirates life for me.....Arrgh.